Sunday, May 16, 2010

Public Accounting Expositor

We give this week to the following Preamble, Resolutions, and Affidavit of the Seceder from the Big Four.-- The request is complied with on account of deeming it very important that the public should know the true cause of the dissenting, as all manner of falsehood is spread abroad in relation to the nature of the career. Hereafter, no further proceedings will appear in our columns, except in the form of brief communications.


As the direct target of an internal marketing campaign by the University (hereafter "party 1" and the PA Firm(s) (hereafter "party 2") it is deemed beneficial to the future pools of fresh blood that the following ideas set forth by party 1 and party 2 be exposed:

1) Upon Graduation You Will Represent "The Next Generation of Talent."
2) Work-life Balance Means 40-hour work weeks with 55-hour weeks during "busy season"
3) The First Few Years Are Rough. You have to Pay Your Dues. Then, It Gets Better!
4) The MAcc is a Great Credential to have in your Back Pocket.
5) 10% Pay Increases are the Norm. Expect to be Compensated Fairly for your Hard Work.


Resolved 1st, that I disapprobate and discountenance the idea as set forth of the warm and fuzzy "next generation of talent" and hereby propose the more accurate "prisoners of Gorash the Ugly." Based on the presence of the invisible ball and chain and the slobbering saber tooth centurions, this is deemed appropriate and reasonable. (pictures introduced as supporting evidence)

Resolved 2nd, 40 what? 55 what? The Jerusalem what? Jerusalem toodle-oo-poosey, poosley-loo?

It is hereby proposed "Hours are played by ear. And to be sure "the ear rarely heareth that which is pleasing."

Resolved 3rd, I disapprobate and discountenance the idea as set forth of the first few years. Be it known to all climes and countries that the first 2 years are by far the easiest. Dues may be made payable to "Gorash the Ugly" and the acceptable form of payments are as follows:

  • Your life

  • Your family (friendly emails of employee's family members' passing will be sent out company-wide upon their passing. Expect an average of 3 per month depending on office size).

Resolved 4th, I disapprobate and discountenance the idea alleged by party 1. Proposed: If you can get that piece of paper that says "Certified Public Accountant" on it, you need nothing else in public accounting. Nothing. The CPA is the credential of value. The one, the only.

Resolved 5th, I disapprobate and discountenance the idea alleged by party 2 up until year 7. Proposed: If you are willing to wear ball and chain and can please Gorash the Ugly throughout said period, you will then be fairly compensated both monetarily and with a slightly heavier ball and chain. Disclaimer: Sometimes Gorash the Ugly can't be pleased. Prepare to be thrashed about, and nearly eaten alive.(also referred to as "a good opportunity")

Affidavit 1

Published by Party 1 and evidence of excessive marketing (article and photos published by Marriott School Magazine circa Spring 2009:

"The Happiest Auditor on Earth"


Farewell, Disneyland!

(editor's note: format and wording similar to "Nauvoo Expositor")

Addendum 1, June 16th 2010

The hypocrisy of it all sends a thrill up my spine. They tell you that you are their #1 asset and that they will do everything possible to help you succeed. Then on the other hand you quickly realize that their corporate structure is set up so that people will quit (burn out) or be "coached out" in the 4-6th year range. They WANT this. Only the "elect" can even make it to year 7 (manager level). "Elect" can be defined by your own imagination. Just thought I would throw that in for S***s & giggles before I forget.


Kristi said...

I have nothing to say except that is hilarious and totally cracked me up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can only imagine you & Jenn cracking up as you wrote it too. Thank goodness that chapter of your life is closed now, huh?!

Aaron said...

haha, yeah it was fun to write. There was so much more I would have liked to say but I decided to keep it mild. It was the chapter that you won't remember and wanted to gouge out your eyes reading it, but you knew it could only get better from there...



Nich said...

Haha. Nice. But how can you get your message out to the people? They need to know!

Aaron said...

The people are driven by fear and money. My efforts would be like a drop of water from your kitchen faucet at 2:21 AM during REM sleep.